Finding center

So much for my big head start on writing. My plan was to have my outline finished by today and I haven't even started. Monday a friend had an emergency and dropped her kids off at my house. Yesterday I sat down to write and actually fell asleep on the keyboard. I've never done that before.I got about a two hour nap before the kids woke me. I had little square indents all over my face. Today I spent the afternoon getting gifts ready for my husband's trip home to see his family. He'll be gone for 2 1/2 weeks on business and he's stopping to see the family on the way through. He'll be delivering Christmas presents that we didn't manage to send in November. Am I the only one who ever ends up that late for Christmas?

Though, in my defense, I did get the gifts to my family sent on time. Does that make me more responsible or less for getting only half the family taken care of? He was supposed to be in charge of his own parents this year. I never know what to send them. Anything they actually want they buy for themselves.

The sun has come out in the past few days. It's been months since we've seen sun here in Utah. I thought I'd be invigorated, but somehow, it's making me need to hibernate. I think maybe I'm just anticipating the coming onslaught of busyness that are the warmer months. I'm dreading and longing for the snow to finally melt. My yard, the first yard that's been mine in years is begging to be dug into. I have lettuce, celery and chives all sprouting in my window. About 2 months too early. But I can't seem to stop and all I want to do is sleep and I'm realizing that for these and many other reasons, the transition seasons are the very hardest for me.

You'd think after 36 years, I'd be better at this by now.

But I'm wondering how much better life ever really gets. I have pictures in my mind of what grown ups do and feel and are. I still don't feel like I qualify most of the time. I feel too old and I feel too young and I love my life with my kids and I can't wait for them to grow so I can have my own life back and the older I get the more I feel like I'll never manage to find the center of any of these things.

Dave Ramsey once said that if you aren't careful, happiness is like a school yard bully drawing a line in the sand. If you can just get over that line, you know you'll have won. But each time you cross that line he takes a step back and draws another. Taunting you. And even though you know better, some part of you believes that he's right when he tells you that if you could just cross this next line, you'll finally be happy.

 Brandon is gone starting tomorrow for 2 1/2 weeks. I'm dreading his absence and looking forward to the quiet that's it's going to bring. I worry often that I'll never find my center. I'll never find that place in the middle of all these things when I can rest and breathe and not feel like I need to keep chasing what isn't there right at the moment. That I'll be able to just focus on what I can do instead of all the things that I can't.

If anybody else out there knows how it's done, I wish they'd tell me.

Kids and the writing life

Why is it that my children are perfectly fine, as long as I'm folding laundry or doing dishes or even staring blankly at Pinterest, but the moment I try to work on my novel they start to scream. It's like some sort of bizarre radar. I'm in my office, they're in the play room and everybody is happy. Until I open my laptop. They can't possibly hear that from the other end of the house so what gives?

When we were given the chance to adopt our first son, I jumped at it. We'd been trying to get pregnant for seven years without any explanation as to why it wasn't happening. I knew a lot of things were going to be put on hold for a lot of years but I was completely OK with that. Being a writer hardly mattered to me if I couldn't be a mother first. Now, six years later, Kaalam is in kindergarten and I suddenly have hours of my day that have opened up to me. The freedom to go to the store with just one child is amazing. Next year Kaalam will be in first grade and he'll be gone all day every day. Xander will be starting preschool a few days a week. I'm completely torn about what to think of that.

On one hand, I can hardly wait. I'll have hours every week to focus on writing. I'll have my life back. Everything I've put on hold will finally be available to me again. My goal is to have my first novel finished by the end of the year and with the new school year starting in September, I may just be able to do it.

On the other hand, I'm already heartbroken. My baby's are leaving and it'll never be the same. They'll get to the point where their teachers see them more hours in the day than I do. They'll still need me. but not completely. Not like they have. I am so sad to have to let this stage go.

It must be human nature to constantly be reaching for the next stage and clinging to the last all at the same time. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I didn't always feel like I had to choose between the things in my life that I love. But it turns out that the "You can have it all" mentality just isn't true. You can either have everything, and none of it will be quality, or you can choose only some things and make them each incredible. But then you miss out. And I hate missing out.

© Bufka | Dreamstime.com - Big Chaos Photo

LTUE 2013

This weekend I had the chance to go to LTUE. It's a Sci-fi/Fantasy writers conference that happens every year here in Utah. I had such an awesome time. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at picking classes, or if this years classes really were better than last year but either way, I'm currently suffering from a very serious case of overloaded brain melt.

In a very good way.

The last night of the conference they had a dinner. Tracy Hickman was the guest speaker and I was excited at the prospect of maybe meeting him. Turns out I got more than just the chance to shake his hand. I'd casually made friends with a woman earlier in the day and when she and her husband were choosing a table, she chose mine. And they brought Tracy Hickman with them.

I got about an hour to talk with him. I got to ask how he became a writer in the first place and tell him a little bit about what I'm working on now. I wish I could say I was brilliant but the truth of it is that when he asked me what I was writing, instead of giving him my pitch (which I'm rather proud of) my mind blanked out and all I could think to say was, "It's a fantasy". Me and my missed opportunities. Still, there's always another chance later. I hope?

I'm planning on finishing my novel Haven's Reach this year, complete with rewrites. This being my first, it may very realistically end up being a practice novel. My real hope is that I can limit the number of practice novels to as few as I can. The writing has never been difficult for me. It's the story itself that bogs me down. With what I learned this weekend at the conference I think I may now know how to solve that. At the very least, I'm further than I was.

I'm thinking I might do a few posts over the next few weeks about some of the classes that I attended. Sandra Tayler did an amazing class on finding the time in life for creativity. She offered ten points that went far beyond just 'carving out some time' in your schedule. It's one of the classes I may find myself going over several times through the coming year. It was that good. From that point on in the conference, I attended every panel she was part of.

I got to sing with Megan Whalen Turner. I ate dinner with Tracy Hickman. I met and befriended three separate editors and many other authors, both aspiring and published. I have enough class notes to keep me studying for weeks. But best of all, I have the most solid first half outline for my novel that I've developed yet. The last half of the outline is the easy part. Figuring out how to start is what kills me.

It was a pretty awesome weekend. Can't wait till next year!