When we were given the chance to adopt our first son, I jumped at it. We'd been trying to get pregnant for seven years without any explanation as to why it wasn't happening. I knew a lot of things were going to be put on hold for a lot of years but I was completely OK with that. Being a writer hardly mattered to me if I couldn't be a mother first. Now, six years later, Kaalam is in kindergarten and I suddenly have hours of my day that have opened up to me. The freedom to go to the store with just one child is amazing. Next year Kaalam will be in first grade and he'll be gone all day every day. Xander will be starting preschool a few days a week. I'm completely torn about what to think of that.
On one hand, I can hardly wait. I'll have hours every week to focus on writing. I'll have my life back. Everything I've put on hold will finally be available to me again. My goal is to have my first novel finished by the end of the year and with the new school year starting in September, I may just be able to do it.
On the other hand, I'm already heartbroken. My baby's are leaving and it'll never be the same. They'll get to the point where their teachers see them more hours in the day than I do. They'll still need me. but not completely. Not like they have. I am so sad to have to let this stage go.
It must be human nature to constantly be reaching for the next stage and clinging to the last all at the same time. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I didn't always feel like I had to choose between the things in my life that I love. But it turns out that the "You can have it all" mentality just isn't true. You can either have everything, and none of it will be quality, or you can choose only some things and make them each incredible. But then you miss out. And I hate missing out.
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