Finding center

So much for my big head start on writing. My plan was to have my outline finished by today and I haven't even started. Monday a friend had an emergency and dropped her kids off at my house. Yesterday I sat down to write and actually fell asleep on the keyboard. I've never done that before.I got about a two hour nap before the kids woke me. I had little square indents all over my face. Today I spent the afternoon getting gifts ready for my husband's trip home to see his family. He'll be gone for 2 1/2 weeks on business and he's stopping to see the family on the way through. He'll be delivering Christmas presents that we didn't manage to send in November. Am I the only one who ever ends up that late for Christmas?

Though, in my defense, I did get the gifts to my family sent on time. Does that make me more responsible or less for getting only half the family taken care of? He was supposed to be in charge of his own parents this year. I never know what to send them. Anything they actually want they buy for themselves.

The sun has come out in the past few days. It's been months since we've seen sun here in Utah. I thought I'd be invigorated, but somehow, it's making me need to hibernate. I think maybe I'm just anticipating the coming onslaught of busyness that are the warmer months. I'm dreading and longing for the snow to finally melt. My yard, the first yard that's been mine in years is begging to be dug into. I have lettuce, celery and chives all sprouting in my window. About 2 months too early. But I can't seem to stop and all I want to do is sleep and I'm realizing that for these and many other reasons, the transition seasons are the very hardest for me.

You'd think after 36 years, I'd be better at this by now.

But I'm wondering how much better life ever really gets. I have pictures in my mind of what grown ups do and feel and are. I still don't feel like I qualify most of the time. I feel too old and I feel too young and I love my life with my kids and I can't wait for them to grow so I can have my own life back and the older I get the more I feel like I'll never manage to find the center of any of these things.

Dave Ramsey once said that if you aren't careful, happiness is like a school yard bully drawing a line in the sand. If you can just get over that line, you know you'll have won. But each time you cross that line he takes a step back and draws another. Taunting you. And even though you know better, some part of you believes that he's right when he tells you that if you could just cross this next line, you'll finally be happy.

 Brandon is gone starting tomorrow for 2 1/2 weeks. I'm dreading his absence and looking forward to the quiet that's it's going to bring. I worry often that I'll never find my center. I'll never find that place in the middle of all these things when I can rest and breathe and not feel like I need to keep chasing what isn't there right at the moment. That I'll be able to just focus on what I can do instead of all the things that I can't.

If anybody else out there knows how it's done, I wish they'd tell me.